Fight or Flight is the feeling you want to either stay and battle your demons and trials or run away from them. I don't ever remember growing up or even as an adult wanting to run away from anything. I actually enjoyed the challenge and even egged thing on to win an argument. I can unfortunately have a sharp tongue when I get angry. Regrettably this is not the case since I got sick. I think it is because I either am too tired to face it and I know I can't win or I am still wanting to control. I hate to lose. I hate it. I don't even try things I know I won't be good at or have some kind of pay off. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
Lately this terrible feeling of doubt and overwhelming desire to just run away has been in full force. The longer it has been for me being away from my saving little rehab center in Utah, the easier it is to forget. Forget all about the tools I have been taught to combat this urge to flee. I have so many new hard things and the confidence to win at them is just not in my favor. I doubt every decision. Even the ones I , at one time, had firm confirmation from the Lord it was the path to take. I second guess myself and my abilities. I don't think I will be a winner so I want to just disregard all options. The problem is I don't even have any place to run too.
When I was sick is when this developed so strong inside me. I would pull that wheelchair up into my car and drive unsafely to whereever my car would take me, usually the desert or up on a hill, and sleep in my car. Sometimes for more than a night. I would not tell anyone. I just had to get away. From what, I didn't even know.
I think this flight feeling plays off of anxiety. Remember anxiety is worrying and trying to control the future. I forget about the "Let the Lord Drive" and the "Let it Flow Like the River". Especially in the heat of the moment. All I can think about is run far away from this hard thing. You are not strong enough to battle it. Flee! You are not capable. You don't deserve it. It is going to be too hard. What if it is the wrong way? What if you lose? What if you made a terrible mistake? What if there is something better you don't see? You are hurting others. You are too dependent. You aren't good.
We all know where these fears come from. We know who the instigator is. But for some reason it is not a deterrent. I still want to escape. I forget quickly the miracles and things I have abundantly been graciously thrown at me all ready. Why would I not think He has gotten me this far. Why would He turn His back on me now and let me fail?
I was reminded of the story of Moses. Those people were shown mighty miracles. They were obedient and wanted to get out of their current situation into a better one. Moses had a plan and wanted his people to be let free and worked pretty darn hard at accomplishing it for them. It finally came time for them to leave after the storm of craziness. Much like when I finally decided it was time to walk and let go of control. Time to change my current situation. I was shown some mighty miracles of my own. I would even compare them to the parting of the Red Sea.
Once the people were free and on their own they soon forgot. They got a little uncomfortable with the unknown. They wanted to turn around and go back. Fall back into old patterns. They even knew what they were going back to but the unknown was more terrifying to them the slavery and injustice. Trusting in the God that brought great plagues to their enemy, turned water into blood and made the impossible a reality was too hard for them. They wanted to do what they viewed was the easiest. So many times I want to just quit and go back to being sick or go back to the unhealthy situation I was in. When I realize that isn't an option I want to run away. Run towards what I don't know. Just run.
I know in my heart that my Heavenly Father's got this. He has my back. I just forget. I go back into old controlling habits. Wanting to control my future when in reality I don't really have much control. I can plan. I can get in my car and have a destination in mind but I am not really driving or in charge. The Lord can stop that car at an minute. I don't know why I don't let the one who has the map and knows the way drive. Why do I take the wheel and try to do a movie stunt and squeal the wheels to a screeching 180 and drive away or back the direction I came from?
One day at work I just was not dealing well. The day before I was not able to walk and was not able to come into work. The stress this causes me and the Dooms Day attitude quickly encroaches into my life. So the next day when I went back to work I was not walking well and I was doing my best to stay centered and focused but I was on the verge of tears every minute. A co-worker who has gone through 2 divorces told me she wanted to give me some advice. One problem with having stress for me is that it is not something I can hide very well. My body shuts down and everybody knows. I then get self conscious and want to just quit my job, run away, go back to Egypt. This lady says to me that in order to survive what I am going through I need to get hard. Hard hearted. I told her I did not want to be that way. I don't like treating people that way. I don't like looking at things the way a person with a hard heart does. I don't want to be uncaring. She says that in order for me to get through it that it is the only way. Is it the only way? I hope not.
I want to stay and fight. I want to remember the miracles. I want to let people back in. I want to care. I want to be healthy. I want to go to my Promised Land. How?
Friday, September 30, 2016
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Grace
What does Grace mean to you? This word has been on my mind for the last few weeks. I have heard it several times and have never really thought about it till now. I even have asked close friends what it means to them and everyone has had a different, close but different, answer on what it means to them. We have all heard the term "God's Grace". God's grace to me is His gift of His Son Jesus Christ so that the Atonement will make up the difference of our shortcomings if we do our best in this life to do our part. Without this gift we will not make it back to live with our Heavenly Father.
But what does it mean to have Grace for yourself, or be graceful, or show grace to others? I even looked it up and it says in the dictionary this...
- Grace (as a Verb)- do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence
- Grace (as a Noun)- simple elegance or refinement of movement.
- Grace (in Christian belief)- the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.
Some of the responses I received were; smooth, moves like a ballerina, poised, tactful, grateful, dignified, honor, presence, love and kindness, an undeserved gift.
God gave us His son, this is an undeserving gift. He gave this to each of us through grace. It is really amazing if you even think about it just for a moment. What a miracle.
A man by the name of Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in an address called The Gift of Grace , "Though we all have weaknesses, we can overcome them. Indeed it is by the grace of God that, if we humble ourselves and have faith, weak things can become strong. Throughout our lives, God’s grace bestows temporal blessings and spiritual gifts that magnify our abilities and enrich our lives. His grace refines us. His grace helps us become our best selves." I love the part where he says grace refines us. We become refined. To refine something means to reduce it down to a pure state. To fine tune it. When someone gives you a gift that is undeserving you appreciate it, your thinking and your thoughts soften and it changes you.
Grace helps us become our best selves. Become graceful. What is my best self? I don't even know. I'm working on that now. I want to be my best self. I have always been someone for someone else. I don't even know who I am. I have been a mother, a wife, a co-worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend. This is what I am to other people. Who am I for myself? Who am I to God? I am sure this is part of the growing pains of this stage in my life or maybe it is part of becoming an empty nester soon or even part of the divorce stages but I truly don't know who I am. What I like, what I can do, what I am good at or even what I want. These are all things I need to figure out. I want to be my best self but first I need to find out who that person is.
Grace helps us become our best selves. Become graceful. What is my best self? I don't even know. I'm working on that now. I want to be my best self. I have always been someone for someone else. I don't even know who I am. I have been a mother, a wife, a co-worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend. This is what I am to other people. Who am I for myself? Who am I to God? I am sure this is part of the growing pains of this stage in my life or maybe it is part of becoming an empty nester soon or even part of the divorce stages but I truly don't know who I am. What I like, what I can do, what I am good at or even what I want. These are all things I need to figure out. I want to be my best self but first I need to find out who that person is.
If we want grace from God we have to be willing to give grace to others. Not just forgiveness but forgiveness with grace. Forgive graciously. To forgive even those who don't deserve it or people who may not even have asked for forgiveness. If we do this just like President Uchtdorf states "weak things become strong". I have so many weak things right now in my life. This is why I really want to understand what grace is.
How can I receive and give grace? I have learned that the best way is through gratitude. If we are truly grateful with our current present moment we are worthy of receiving and giving grace. If we are focused on the future or the past we are not in a state of mind to be open to this gift. We are not connected to our current situation and circumstance. We can't be grateful if we aren't in the moment. Therefor it is hard to give or receive grace.
Living in the moment is one of the hardest things for me because I am a planner. I like to control what is coming and not be surprised. Unfortunately that is when the ungratefulness comes into play. I am missing things as I focus on the future and dwell on the past. Meditation helps me with this each day but it is still hard. Grace has been something I have been focusing on while a meditate and pray each day. I feel myself being more and more grateful for grace and the gifts the Lord blesses me with each and every day. The Atonement is the ultimate gift of Grace.
How can I receive and give grace? I have learned that the best way is through gratitude. If we are truly grateful with our current present moment we are worthy of receiving and giving grace. If we are focused on the future or the past we are not in a state of mind to be open to this gift. We are not connected to our current situation and circumstance. We can't be grateful if we aren't in the moment. Therefor it is hard to give or receive grace.
Living in the moment is one of the hardest things for me because I am a planner. I like to control what is coming and not be surprised. Unfortunately that is when the ungratefulness comes into play. I am missing things as I focus on the future and dwell on the past. Meditation helps me with this each day but it is still hard. Grace has been something I have been focusing on while a meditate and pray each day. I feel myself being more and more grateful for grace and the gifts the Lord blesses me with each and every day. The Atonement is the ultimate gift of Grace.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Answers
So my life has been a swinging pendulum. That's what I call it anyways. Some days I'm way hi happy other days I'm super sad and emotional. This past weekend we had something called stake conference. This is where a large group of people from my faith in my area meet together for a couple hours on a Saturday night and for a couple hours on Sunday morning. It takes place of our normal Sunday worship. It happens about twice a year. When I was sick and not able to speak, one of the hardest things for me was not being able to sing out loud. It caused me to have severe anxiety whenever I would hear music. All I wanted to do was sing along. My kids, when they were little, thought I knew the the words to every song on the radio because no matter what I would sing. It wasn't until they were older that they realized I didn't know the words to most of the songs. They would give me a hard time but I would explain to them that my words sounded better. It was so painful not to be able to sing and I was not able to listen to music anywhere especially on the radio or on the TV. It was so quiet and sad. Music has filled my life with so much meaning throughout my life.
My insightful Bishop decided it would be a wonderful idea (or the Lord rather), to call me to be the ward choir director while I was sick. I was not able to speak yet and barely able to be around people, therefore singing was absolutely painful. But I have never turned down a calling when asked. So I accepted it not knowing how in the world I was going to be able to accomplish this overwhelming task. I had to have help from others that is for sure. I would bring my laptop and my speaker and I would have to type out all the words that I needed the choir to hear for direction. It was so funny. If I had not been in so much pain I would have laughed my head off. Later on I was able to finally to speak and eventually sing a little but I was still not able to stand to direct the choir in sacrament meeting. Each time we would have a special number my Bishop would bring a stool from home and they would set it up so I could crawl and hobble over to the stool and direct the choir from there. So many people would come to choir just to support me. They had no interest in singing or had little time to spare but would come faithfully each week. It was such an act of love and service towards me.
When I got home from The Bridge I was able to walk, talk, and sing again. Our ward chorister had just had a baby so I filled in and subbed for her for weeks and eventually was called to do that position along with being the choir director. For the last couple weeks I have been going to the stake choir practices as well so that I could sing in stake conference. My Sabbath days have been full of music and I have enjoyed it very much.
On Saturday evening we had our adult session. We had one special number that we had prepared for that night. It was a humble and small all women's choir and it was absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately my experience ended up being very negative. One of the psychologist at the bridge, who happened to be a member of my same faith, said that I needed to decide now to stay strong in the church and realize that every lesson and that every talk would have to do with marriage and family and it will be very hard to hear. She said I needed to decide now to not let it bother me. For the last two-and-a-half months I was very aware and realized that very thing but I did not let it bother me. I was just happy to be there and be able to make it to all the meetings without a wheelchair, without anxiety, without shaking, and without pain. But that night at this session I must have let my guard down. As I looked out over the congregation all I could see were couples. It seemed everyone had someone. It seemed everyone was happy. It seemed that all the talks had to do with marriage and families. I pictured them going home together as a couple discussing the gospel topics they had learned. This made me feel very lonely. So lonely that I cried all evening and all through the night. I had decided that despite my love of the music we practiced to sing for Sunday I was not going to be able to make it to that meeting the next day.
I woke up Sunday morning and had to take my daughter to a youth group stake meeting. She had overslept and only had 10 minutes before it started. She could have very easily said "I'm not going, I overslept" but that was not an option for her she threw her hair up brush, brushed her teeth, threw on a dress, grabbed something to eat and asked me to drive her there. After I dropped her off my heart softened at her example. I had made a commitment to sing in the choir and they needed me. So despite my very puffy eyes I threw myself together and headed down to the church late. I made it just for the last warm ups which I cried through. When I took my place on the stand I once again witnessed all the husbands and wives with their families sitting all together. I once again heard talks about marriages and families. I once again felt alone and sad. Despite all of that I did feel The Spirit. I felt my Savior's love. The music was beautiful.
When I got home my daughter went to her dad's house and I was once again alone. The tears came again. I had decided that I love the Gospel and I know the church is true but the church is too hard to go to and that it is not for single people. I prayed and prayed for an answer on what to do because I knew that this was not the right answer. Finally in the evening my answer had come. The answer that was clearly spoken to me in my mind was that He had already given me 2 answers. I had just chosen not to follow them. Funny how when we don't like the answer we are given we choose to ignore it. The answers won't change. Only we can change. Earlier in the months prior I was having one of my pendulum moments and prayed and prayed for an answer. How do I get over this loneliness? The answer was given to me in own words that I have spoken to my children, to many people and given in many lessons over and over. The answer was to "lose yourself in service". If you are serving someone else and thinking of others it is hard to think about yourself. I'm coming up with ways in which I can accomplish the first answer. It will be hard with my limited amount of time but it will be for my benefit. The second answer that I have received before is to start this blog. I've put it off over and over again. Writing for me is very therapeutic. I found when I wrote my last blog that I was more aware and in the moment of my day thinking of topics and things to write about. I recognized my Father in Heaven's blessings no matter how big or small. I enjoyed the thought that maybe somebody else is benefiting from my mistakes and lessons learned by reading it.
So these were my answers. I know that I am loved. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that He's aware of my pain, sadness, loneliness and wants me to be happy. I just have to keep remembering all the many lessons I learned and stay focused and connected to Him. He will show me the way.
My insightful Bishop decided it would be a wonderful idea (or the Lord rather), to call me to be the ward choir director while I was sick. I was not able to speak yet and barely able to be around people, therefore singing was absolutely painful. But I have never turned down a calling when asked. So I accepted it not knowing how in the world I was going to be able to accomplish this overwhelming task. I had to have help from others that is for sure. I would bring my laptop and my speaker and I would have to type out all the words that I needed the choir to hear for direction. It was so funny. If I had not been in so much pain I would have laughed my head off. Later on I was able to finally to speak and eventually sing a little but I was still not able to stand to direct the choir in sacrament meeting. Each time we would have a special number my Bishop would bring a stool from home and they would set it up so I could crawl and hobble over to the stool and direct the choir from there. So many people would come to choir just to support me. They had no interest in singing or had little time to spare but would come faithfully each week. It was such an act of love and service towards me.
When I got home from The Bridge I was able to walk, talk, and sing again. Our ward chorister had just had a baby so I filled in and subbed for her for weeks and eventually was called to do that position along with being the choir director. For the last couple weeks I have been going to the stake choir practices as well so that I could sing in stake conference. My Sabbath days have been full of music and I have enjoyed it very much.
On Saturday evening we had our adult session. We had one special number that we had prepared for that night. It was a humble and small all women's choir and it was absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately my experience ended up being very negative. One of the psychologist at the bridge, who happened to be a member of my same faith, said that I needed to decide now to stay strong in the church and realize that every lesson and that every talk would have to do with marriage and family and it will be very hard to hear. She said I needed to decide now to not let it bother me. For the last two-and-a-half months I was very aware and realized that very thing but I did not let it bother me. I was just happy to be there and be able to make it to all the meetings without a wheelchair, without anxiety, without shaking, and without pain. But that night at this session I must have let my guard down. As I looked out over the congregation all I could see were couples. It seemed everyone had someone. It seemed everyone was happy. It seemed that all the talks had to do with marriage and families. I pictured them going home together as a couple discussing the gospel topics they had learned. This made me feel very lonely. So lonely that I cried all evening and all through the night. I had decided that despite my love of the music we practiced to sing for Sunday I was not going to be able to make it to that meeting the next day.
I woke up Sunday morning and had to take my daughter to a youth group stake meeting. She had overslept and only had 10 minutes before it started. She could have very easily said "I'm not going, I overslept" but that was not an option for her she threw her hair up brush, brushed her teeth, threw on a dress, grabbed something to eat and asked me to drive her there. After I dropped her off my heart softened at her example. I had made a commitment to sing in the choir and they needed me. So despite my very puffy eyes I threw myself together and headed down to the church late. I made it just for the last warm ups which I cried through. When I took my place on the stand I once again witnessed all the husbands and wives with their families sitting all together. I once again heard talks about marriages and families. I once again felt alone and sad. Despite all of that I did feel The Spirit. I felt my Savior's love. The music was beautiful.
When I got home my daughter went to her dad's house and I was once again alone. The tears came again. I had decided that I love the Gospel and I know the church is true but the church is too hard to go to and that it is not for single people. I prayed and prayed for an answer on what to do because I knew that this was not the right answer. Finally in the evening my answer had come. The answer that was clearly spoken to me in my mind was that He had already given me 2 answers. I had just chosen not to follow them. Funny how when we don't like the answer we are given we choose to ignore it. The answers won't change. Only we can change. Earlier in the months prior I was having one of my pendulum moments and prayed and prayed for an answer. How do I get over this loneliness? The answer was given to me in own words that I have spoken to my children, to many people and given in many lessons over and over. The answer was to "lose yourself in service". If you are serving someone else and thinking of others it is hard to think about yourself. I'm coming up with ways in which I can accomplish the first answer. It will be hard with my limited amount of time but it will be for my benefit. The second answer that I have received before is to start this blog. I've put it off over and over again. Writing for me is very therapeutic. I found when I wrote my last blog that I was more aware and in the moment of my day thinking of topics and things to write about. I recognized my Father in Heaven's blessings no matter how big or small. I enjoyed the thought that maybe somebody else is benefiting from my mistakes and lessons learned by reading it.
So these were my answers. I know that I am loved. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that He's aware of my pain, sadness, loneliness and wants me to be happy. I just have to keep remembering all the many lessons I learned and stay focused and connected to Him. He will show me the way.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
My New Book
My good intentions of starting a blog right after I got back obviously did not happen. Way too many new things that I needed to learn and go through before I had time or the energy to document. I'm coming up on my year mark of when I had my shut down. This is caused me to ponder greatly. Who would have thought a year ago I would be where I am now. People ask me if I'm ready to start my new chapter in life. I tell them that it is not a new chapter but a completely new book. I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. Each new day I learn something new about myself. I learned that I am weaker than I thought, stronger than I thought, and have much more to learn.
I have decided that I really need to start documenting regularly like I did at the Bridge so I help myself recognise each day's blessings and miracles or the theme and lesson I need to be learning for the day. I have days that are super hard and when they come I forget about the many miracles and blessings that I have had in the recent past. Since I have been home I have completed a divorce, moved into a new apartment, turned the big 40, started a new career (nothing like I have ever done before), worked hard and got accepted into school to become an occupational therapy assistant, sent off my missionary son, spent a few days in the hospital getting surgery on a severed tendon on my finger and I have dealt with the many lonely days and nights. I have more happy days than sad days but it seems the sad days are unbearable at times. I go and do the things that I have done in the direction in which He has led me but some days I just think it's too hard. Other days I can't remember being as happy as I am at that moment. I become so proud of myself and the things that I've accomplished with the help of my Lord. I do things that I never thought were possible. I get knocked down, sometimes really hard, but I always get back up. I hope and pray that those days will become far and few between. I've been offered to write a book about my experience. If I had not lived it I would not have believed it myself. I am not sure how to do this or even if I will but I'm glad that someone else might benefit from my pain and from my learning experiences.
So my new book begins. Stay tuned.
I have decided that I really need to start documenting regularly like I did at the Bridge so I help myself recognise each day's blessings and miracles or the theme and lesson I need to be learning for the day. I have days that are super hard and when they come I forget about the many miracles and blessings that I have had in the recent past. Since I have been home I have completed a divorce, moved into a new apartment, turned the big 40, started a new career (nothing like I have ever done before), worked hard and got accepted into school to become an occupational therapy assistant, sent off my missionary son, spent a few days in the hospital getting surgery on a severed tendon on my finger and I have dealt with the many lonely days and nights. I have more happy days than sad days but it seems the sad days are unbearable at times. I go and do the things that I have done in the direction in which He has led me but some days I just think it's too hard. Other days I can't remember being as happy as I am at that moment. I become so proud of myself and the things that I've accomplished with the help of my Lord. I do things that I never thought were possible. I get knocked down, sometimes really hard, but I always get back up. I hope and pray that those days will become far and few between. I've been offered to write a book about my experience. If I had not lived it I would not have believed it myself. I am not sure how to do this or even if I will but I'm glad that someone else might benefit from my pain and from my learning experiences.
So my new book begins. Stay tuned.
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