Answers

So my life has been a swinging pendulum. That's what I call it anyways. Some days I'm way hi happy other days I'm super sad and emotional. This past weekend we had something called stake conference. This is where a large group of people from my faith in my area meet together for a couple hours on a Saturday night and for a couple hours on Sunday morning. It takes place of our normal Sunday worship. It happens about twice a year. When I was sick and not able to speak, one of the hardest things for me was not being able to sing out loud. It caused me to have severe anxiety whenever I would hear music. All I wanted to do was sing along. My kids, when they were little, thought I knew the the words to every song on the radio because no matter what I would sing.  It wasn't until they were older that they realized I didn't know the words to most of the songs. They would give me a hard time but I would explain to them that my words sounded better. It was so painful not to be able to sing and I was not able to listen to music anywhere especially on the radio or on the TV. It was so quiet and sad. Music has filled my life with so much meaning throughout my life.

My insightful Bishop decided it would be a wonderful idea (or the Lord rather), to call me to be the ward choir director while I was sick. I was not able to speak yet and barely able to be around people, therefore singing was absolutely painful. But I have never turned down a calling when asked. So I accepted it not knowing how in the world I was going to be able to accomplish this overwhelming task. I had to have help from others that is for sure. I would bring my laptop and my speaker and I would have to type out all the words that I needed the choir to hear for direction. It was so funny. If I had not been in so much pain I would have laughed my head off. Later on I was able to finally to speak and eventually sing a little but I was still not able to stand to direct the choir in sacrament meeting. Each time we would have a special number my Bishop would bring a stool from home and they would set it up so I could crawl and hobble over to the stool and direct the choir from there. So many people would come to choir just to support me. They had no interest in singing or had little time to spare but would come faithfully each week. It was such an act of love and service towards me.

When I got home from The Bridge I was able to walk, talk, and sing again. Our ward chorister had just had a baby so I filled in and subbed for her for weeks and eventually was called to do that position along with being the choir director. For the last couple weeks I have been going to the stake choir practices as well so that I could sing in stake conference. My Sabbath days have been full of music and I have enjoyed it very much.

On Saturday evening we had our adult session. We had one special number that we had prepared for that night. It was a humble and small all women's choir and it was absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately my experience ended up being very negative. One of the psychologist at the bridge, who happened to be a member of my same faith, said that I needed to decide now to stay strong in the church and realize that every lesson and that every talk would have to do with marriage and family and it will be very hard to hear. She said I needed to decide now to not let it bother me. For the last two-and-a-half months I was very aware and realized that very thing but I did not let it bother me. I was just happy to be there and be able to make it to all the meetings without a wheelchair, without anxiety, without shaking, and without pain. But that night at this session I must have let my guard down. As I looked out over the congregation all I could see were couples. It seemed everyone had someone. It seemed everyone was happy. It seemed that all the talks had to do with marriage and families. I pictured them going home together as a couple discussing the gospel topics they had learned. This made me feel very lonely. So lonely that I cried all evening and all through the night. I had decided that despite my love of the music we practiced to sing for Sunday I was not going to be able to make it to that meeting the next day.

I woke up Sunday morning and had to take my daughter to a youth group stake meeting. She had overslept and only had 10 minutes before it started. She could have very easily said "I'm not going, I overslept" but that was not an option for her she threw her hair up brush, brushed her teeth, threw on a dress, grabbed something to eat and asked me to drive her there. After I dropped her off my heart softened at her example. I had made a commitment to sing in the choir and they needed me. So despite my very puffy eyes I threw myself together and headed down to the church late. I made it just for the last warm ups which I cried through. When I took my place on the stand I once again witnessed all the husbands and wives with their families sitting all together. I once again heard talks about marriages and families. I once again felt alone and sad. Despite all of that I did feel The Spirit. I felt my Savior's love. The music was beautiful.

When I got home my daughter went to her dad's house and I was once again alone. The tears came again. I had decided that I love the Gospel and I know the church is true but the church is too hard to go to and that it is not for single people. I prayed and prayed for an answer on what to do because I knew that this was not the right answer. Finally in the evening my answer had come. The answer that was clearly spoken to me in my mind was that He had already given me 2 answers. I had just chosen not to follow them. Funny how when we don't like the answer we are given we choose to ignore it. The answers won't change. Only we can change. Earlier in the months prior I was having one of my pendulum moments and prayed and prayed for an answer. How do I get over this loneliness? The answer was given to me in own words that I have spoken to my children, to many people and given in many lessons over and over. The answer was to "lose yourself in service". If you are serving someone else and thinking of others it is hard to think about yourself. I'm coming up with ways in which I can accomplish the first answer. It will be hard with my limited amount of time but it will be for my benefit. The second answer that I have received before is to start this blog. I've put it off over and over again. Writing for me is very therapeutic. I found when I wrote my last blog that I was more aware and in the moment of my day thinking of topics and things to write about. I recognized my Father in Heaven's blessings no matter how big or small. I enjoyed the thought that maybe somebody else is benefiting from my mistakes and lessons learned by reading it.

So these were my answers. I know that I am loved. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that He's aware of my pain, sadness, loneliness and wants me to be happy. I just have to keep remembering all the many lessons I learned and stay focused and connected to Him. He will show me the way.

My New Book

My good intentions of starting a blog right after I got back obviously did not happen. Way too many new things that I needed to learn and go through before I had time or the energy to document. I'm coming up on my year mark of when I had my shut down. This is caused me to ponder greatly. Who would have thought a year ago I would be where I am now. People ask me if I'm ready to start my new chapter in life. I tell them that it is not a new chapter but a completely new book. I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. Each new day I learn something new about myself. I learned that I am weaker than I thought, stronger than I thought, and have much more to learn.

I have decided that I really need to start documenting regularly like I did at the Bridge so I help myself recognise each day's blessings and miracles or the theme and lesson I need to be learning for the day. I have days that are super hard and when they come I forget about the many miracles and blessings that I have had in the recent past. Since I have been home I have completed a divorce, moved into a new apartment, turned the big 40, started a new career (nothing like I have ever done before), worked hard and got accepted into school to become an occupational therapy assistant, sent off my missionary son, spent a few days in the hospital getting surgery on a severed tendon on my finger and I have dealt with the many lonely days and nights. I have more happy days than sad days but it seems the sad days are unbearable at times. I go and do the things that I have done in the direction in which He has led me but some days I just think it's too hard. Other days I can't remember being as happy as I am at that moment. I become so proud of myself and the things that I've accomplished with the help of my Lord. I do things that I never thought were possible. I get knocked down, sometimes really hard, but I always get back up. I hope and pray that those days will become far and few between. I've been offered to write a book about my experience. If I had not lived it I would not have believed it myself. I am not sure how to do this or even if I will but I'm glad that someone else might benefit from my pain and from my learning experiences.

So my new book begins. Stay tuned.