Fight or Flight is the feeling you want to either stay and battle your demons and trials or run away from them. I don't ever remember growing up or even as an adult wanting to run away from anything. I actually enjoyed the challenge and even egged thing on to win an argument. I can unfortunately have a sharp tongue when I get angry. Regrettably this is not the case since I got sick. I think it is because I either am too tired to face it and I know I can't win or I am still wanting to control. I hate to lose. I hate it. I don't even try things I know I won't be good at or have some kind of pay off. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
Lately this terrible feeling of doubt and overwhelming desire to just run away has been in full force. The longer it has been for me being away from my saving little rehab center in Utah, the easier it is to forget. Forget all about the tools I have been taught to combat this urge to flee. I have so many new hard things and the confidence to win at them is just not in my favor. I doubt every decision. Even the ones I , at one time, had firm confirmation from the Lord it was the path to take. I second guess myself and my abilities. I don't think I will be a winner so I want to just disregard all options. The problem is I don't even have any place to run too.
When I was sick is when this developed so strong inside me. I would pull that wheelchair up into my car and drive unsafely to whereever my car would take me, usually the desert or up on a hill, and sleep in my car. Sometimes for more than a night. I would not tell anyone. I just had to get away. From what, I didn't even know.
I think this flight feeling plays off of anxiety. Remember anxiety is worrying and trying to control the future. I forget about the "Let the Lord Drive" and the "Let it Flow Like the River". Especially in the heat of the moment. All I can think about is run far away from this hard thing. You are not strong enough to battle it. Flee! You are not capable. You don't deserve it. It is going to be too hard. What if it is the wrong way? What if you lose? What if you made a terrible mistake? What if there is something better you don't see? You are hurting others. You are too dependent. You aren't good.
We all know where these fears come from. We know who the instigator is. But for some reason it is not a deterrent. I still want to escape. I forget quickly the miracles and things I have abundantly been graciously thrown at me all ready. Why would I not think He has gotten me this far. Why would He turn His back on me now and let me fail?
I was reminded of the story of Moses. Those people were shown mighty miracles. They were obedient and wanted to get out of their current situation into a better one. Moses had a plan and wanted his people to be let free and worked pretty darn hard at accomplishing it for them. It finally came time for them to leave after the storm of craziness. Much like when I finally decided it was time to walk and let go of control. Time to change my current situation. I was shown some mighty miracles of my own. I would even compare them to the parting of the Red Sea.
Once the people were free and on their own they soon forgot. They got a little uncomfortable with the unknown. They wanted to turn around and go back. Fall back into old patterns. They even knew what they were going back to but the unknown was more terrifying to them the slavery and injustice. Trusting in the God that brought great plagues to their enemy, turned water into blood and made the impossible a reality was too hard for them. They wanted to do what they viewed was the easiest. So many times I want to just quit and go back to being sick or go back to the unhealthy situation I was in. When I realize that isn't an option I want to run away. Run towards what I don't know. Just run.
I know in my heart that my Heavenly Father's got this. He has my back. I just forget. I go back into old controlling habits. Wanting to control my future when in reality I don't really have much control. I can plan. I can get in my car and have a destination in mind but I am not really driving or in charge. The Lord can stop that car at an minute. I don't know why I don't let the one who has the map and knows the way drive. Why do I take the wheel and try to do a movie stunt and squeal the wheels to a screeching 180 and drive away or back the direction I came from?
One day at work I just was not dealing well. The day before I was not able to walk and was not able to come into work. The stress this causes me and the Dooms Day attitude quickly encroaches into my life. So the next day when I went back to work I was not walking well and I was doing my best to stay centered and focused but I was on the verge of tears every minute. A co-worker who has gone through 2 divorces told me she wanted to give me some advice. One problem with having stress for me is that it is not something I can hide very well. My body shuts down and everybody knows. I then get self conscious and want to just quit my job, run away, go back to Egypt. This lady says to me that in order to survive what I am going through I need to get hard. Hard hearted. I told her I did not want to be that way. I don't like treating people that way. I don't like looking at things the way a person with a hard heart does. I don't want to be uncaring. She says that in order for me to get through it that it is the only way. Is it the only way? I hope not.
I want to stay and fight. I want to remember the miracles. I want to let people back in. I want to care. I want to be healthy. I want to go to my Promised Land. How?
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